Depression and it's Demons

Suffering from debilitating depression is like no other. Not very many people are willing to talk about it and the actual demons that you fight. I have been suffering from depression for about 20 years now. I have been suffering from a debilitating depression for more than 2 years now.

With the recent suicide of Kate Spade mental illness has now come to light once again where people are talking about it. We need to talk about it more. This is the first time I am talking about my situation. In January of 2018 I had thoughts of suicide. I actually had a plan. I had a plan to hang myself. I actually had a doctor appointment that day and told my provider my thoughts of suicide. I was such in a low place I felt like there was nothing to live for. That my kids, my husband and family would be better off without me. This feeling of such loneliness was so overwhelming. I was sent to the hospital and kept on a 3 day observation. To be honest the stay at the hospital did not do anything for me. They didn't help me or solve anything for me.

I still feel that loneliness sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I do not have anyone to speak too. No one that really understands what I am going through. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be great for me. No more depression, anxiety, PTSD or Schizoaffective disorder. But that is not the case. There is no magic wand to wave and everything will be good. I hide behind a smile because I do not want my family to worry about me. I hide behind a smile because I feel like I can not talk about my demons. I hide behind a smile because that is all I know how to do. I have been suffering from mental illness for so long that I do not know what it is like to be genuinely happy anymore. But if you are feeling the same way you are not alone.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 and for the National Suicide Text Hotline text Home to 741741 if you ever need to reach out to someone.

XOXOXO,

Hope Angeline