Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Depression and it's Demons

Suffering from debilitating depression is like no other. Not very many people are willing to talk about it and the actual demons that you fight. I have been suffering from depression for about 20 years now. I have been suffering from a debilitating depression for more than 2 years now.



With the recent suicide of Kate Spade mental illness has now come to light once again where people are talking about it. We need to talk about it more. This is the first time I am talking about my situation. In January of 2018 I had thoughts of suicide. I actually had a plan. I had a plan to hang myself. I actually had a doctor appointment that day and told my provider my thoughts of suicide. I was such in a low place I felt like there was nothing to live for. That my kids, my husband and family would be better off without me. This feeling of such loneliness was so overwhelming. I was sent to the hospital and kept on a 3 day observation. To be honest the stay at the hospital did not do anything for me. They didn't help me or solve anything for me.

I still feel that loneliness sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I do not have anyone to speak too. No one that really understands what I am going through. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be great for me. No more depression, anxiety, PTSD or Schizoaffective disorder. But that is not the case. There is no magic wand to wave and everything will be good. I hide behind a smile because I do not want my family to worry about me. I hide behind a smile because I feel like I can not talk about my demons. I hide behind a smile because that is all I know how to do. I have been suffering from mental illness for so long that I do not know what it is like to be genuinely happy anymore. But if you are feeling the same way you are not alone.



The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 and for the National Suicide Text Hotline text Home to 741741 if you ever need to reach out to someone.

XOXOXO,

Hope Angeline

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

I Suffer From Mental Ilness

Hello my name is Hope Angeline, and I suffer from metal illness. There is such a stigma on suffering from mental illness that nobody really talks about it. I'm here to change that. I suffer from multiple mental illnesses. I suffer from the following:

1. Server Depression

2. Anxiety

3. PTSD

4. Schizoaffective Disorder

I have been feeling so down lately and in a FUNK..... So down that even doing the little things in life seem so overwhelming. I barley can do anything every day. I do try put on a smile for friends and family. I hate for anyone to worry about me. But I can not lie my depression is so hard right now. Which is a struggle because of my kids. My 3 youngest are Kal-El who is 9, Brucee is 6 and Kara Love is 5. My oldest is 21 but I even struggle with him as well. I feel so down that I do not call him or anyone to be honest.

Suffering from mental illness is no joke.. Having and anxiety is like having someone constantly sitting on her chest where you can not breathe and having depression feeling so down and hopeless you just can not function right, you can not concentrate. Having Schizoaffective disorder is like having manic depression and schizophrenia all at once. Having PTSD is like having both the depression and anxiety all at once.

I am going to start to document my story. The ups and the downs of suffering from mental illness. At the present moment I am not working. I am unable to. My mental illness is holding me hostage in my own head. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anybody.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

McNay Open House


On July 21st I went to an open house at the McNay Art Museum at 6000 N New Braunfels here in San Antonio, TX.  I went to check it out for our wedding venue.  

We are getting married Dec 9, 2017.  I'm so exicited to be planning our wedding.  

The McNay was beautiful and breathtaking. They had several wedding vendors and we got to sample different menus and drinks.  




They also had different table settings which were just beautiful. 



It was really so nice just to be able to go and see what the wedding vendors here in San Antonio have to offer.  





I'm so happy to be planning this wedding.  I wanted to say a huge thank you to the McNay for holding this open house!  It was so informative and all of the vendors were so expentional.  














Friday, July 15, 2016

40 Things To Do BEFORE I Turn 40

So on Friday I turn 39....39 years old. In a way it is hard to imagine. I never that I would make it to 35 much less 39. I have been doing a lot of thinking. I am no where close to where I want to be. If you told me at 19 that I would be doing Accounts Payable and Payroll in 20 years, I would have laughed and said "Yeah right!" But that is what I do for work. Don't get me wrong I do love my job. I love the people I work with but am I absolutely in love with what I do? No I am not.



3 days ago I decided it was time for a change. I was talking to a co-worker and she made me realize that I was nowhere near were I wanted to be. It was time for me to finally to stop and think about what I wanted and needed. It was time for a lifestyle change. I need to do me. I thought about turning 39 and only being 1 year away from 40 and I feel like I have not achieved very many of my goals. So I have come up with 40 Things I Will Do Before I Turn 40. I am going to set fourth my goals and achieve them. They are in no particular order.



1. Continue on my fitness journey. I now think of it as a way of life not exercise.

2. Compete in a fitness bikini competition. I have wanted to do that since I was 19 so 20 years later it is time to make that happen.

3. Finally open my business. That is something I have wanted to do for like 15 years now. Better now than never.

4. Go on a date to the museum. Just walk around look at the art and admire it.

5. Be a better Mom, Wife, and Daughter. I always let my anxiety and depression get the best of me. It is time that I try really hard not to do that anymore.

6. Get a couples massage.

7. Learn how to do a smokey eye.

8. Go watch The Nutcracker.

9.Go on 10 dates with my husband.

10. Go to the ocean. Just go and relax. Don't think about the stresses of work or life. Just go and enjoy my family.

11. Do more art. Be more creative.

12. Do more my nails more.

13. Wear more heels.

14. Stop feeling horrible about myself.

15. Wear more of my clothes. I love fashion. But I have felt so bad about myself for so long that I stopped caring about myself and what I wear.

16. Finally start planning my wedding! It is next December 2017. I am so excited about this. I can not wait.

17. Take the kids to the zoo.

18. Be a tourist in my own city.

19. Travel to another city.

20. Go to Scrap DX and get some awesome craft stuff.

21. Go to Diaso

22. Go on a air plane.

23. Take the kids on a vacation.

24. Get a facial.

25. Move.....I am not a fan of where we are now.

26. Write more snail mail.

27. Go sky diving.

28. Drink a glass of wine with dinner.

29. Get a new tattoo

30. Start a journal.

31. Blog way more.

32. Start my youtube channel.

33. Go back to Kickapoo and gamble.

34. Go to Las Vegas.

35. See my oldest friend Monique.

36. Think more positive.

37. Try a detox.

38. Host a dinner party.

39. Volunteer 4 times.

40. Just enjoy my last year of my 30's make sure I do not regret one thing at all.

That are the 40 things I want to do before I turn 40. I am hoping to cross all of them off of my bucket list. Thanks for stopping by today! And eat a piece of cake for me!

Monday, June 20, 2016

I've still been struggling

Living with a mental illness is not easy. I have been struggling so much over the past few months it is not funny. I try to tell myself every day "It is a new day, do not waste today. You can do anything you put your mind to. Don't listen to the voices they have no idea what they are talking about."


But I am so tired of struggling. Again I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I no longer feel like myself. I feel like a stranger and I am just going through the motions of life. Like it is not me. I want to be ok. I want to do the things I use to do. I want to be a better mama for my children, a better wife, a better fur mama to my doggie. I just want to finally feel better feel like myself. I can not tell you the last time I felt like myself.



I do not know how to get back to old myself. My old self who just loved life and loved to do things. The girl who would not just sit and watch TV all day, would go out and do something anything. I feel like my kids are losing out because I do not want to do anything. To me they are suffering. They deserve so much better. They deserve the Mama I used to be. But how do I get back to that?

Tomorrow is Monday June 20, 2016 my Brucee's 5th Birthday. I am going to try my best to get out of my funk. My family deserves so much better. I know I have to do a little at a time. It is not going to happen overnight. But baby steps right?

Thanks for stopping by today my Sparkly Friends! Let's have a great week and take it a day at a time.....

Sunday, June 19, 2016

I AM A UNICORN 🦄

Unicorns are my spirit animal.  I just love them so much.  Not as much as bunnies but they are high on my list.  



How can you not love unicorns? They are so sparkly and wonderful.  


On my worst days which my sound crazy I think about unicorns, bunnies and everything sparkly.  



The above quote makes me smile.  It reminds me that I will be fine.  That my story is far from over.  


Thanks for stopping by today my Sparkly  Friends!! I hope you have a great day!! 

Hope Angel











Saturday, April 23, 2016

I have been M.I.A



I have not posted since Oct 2015.

I have been trying to figure out everything. I tried to get off my medicine and that was not a good idea. I have just been feeling so down and out since October. Some days are good but the majority of the days are bad. I feel like I am drowning but no one sees me. I have been wanting to write since October but I just have not had the strength to do it.

If that makes any sense to anyone. I have felt like such a failure with everything. With my family, with work, with what I really want to do in life. I was very excited when the new year started. I had decided to not let myself get into anymore dark places and 2016 was going to be my year to accomplish all of my goals that I had. But here we are the end of April. 4 month into 2016 and I still have not accomplished anything at all. Instead of not trying for a few days I have not tried anything since the end of October.



I really am just tired. I want to do more. I want to be a better mom for my kids, a better wife, a better daughter a better friend.



How do get out of this funk? How do you start to feel better? I am just in a dark place right now, I do not know how to get out of it.

I want to Thank You for stopping by today my Sparkly Friends. I promise not to be M.I.A. for so long next time. Hope everyone has a great weekend!